Make it stand out.
Tab Five: CIT Learning Logs (includes both the required reading materials & the content of the CIT sessions - not to exceed 15 pages)
CIT #1 LEARNING LOGS
This log documents my learnings, insights, and outcomes from required readings, modules and content of the CIT #1 session.
Readings
Rogers' Coaching Skills: a handbook (first half)
Short's Learning in relationship: Foundation for personal and professional Success
EQ Instrument - Learning in Action. Co-Founder of LIOS. Systems; How we help ourselves and our clients grow.
Power/Conflict Lab: Why is this so successful? We have people going at each others' throat. Barry Aushery. Time out of time (toot)...What's your experience of the upper class? Described everything that was wrong with the upper class (arrogant, etc). That's not her experience, she was describing the object. Her experience is something behind her saying that. MethodsGroup process, Interpersonal relationships,
Highs
Middles:
Lows
People learn fundamentally how to learn from their experience. Focused is on the other, rather than on the experience. Especially in conflict, if that world out there were better, then I would be happy. The world doesn't live out there. We're atrophied on the "I" world, our own personal drama. Introduce people how to learn from the inside-out. When we do, we get closer to who we really are.
a) Self as coach, b) re-orient away from being a problem solver, c) allowing a client to see themselves
Why is it hard to start with Self? Why do we focus? You cannot see your head! Human behavior is based upon mimicry. The maturation is about being able to stop talking about whats in front of her, and focus on whats going on inside. When she is able describe for herself, why she judges what she sees in the other person. People look inside themselves, in a context that is not rejected.
Human development is about learning more and more about the skills of being able to look inside. Someone with just an object orientation will react, rather than act.
Emotion drives all behaviors. Emotion drives her response to the question. If she can describe what's going on "for her" the whole system changes.
He went silent, and the group created narratives to fill in the gap. Why did it go silent? He is playing a trick. Use experience now, and learn from it. EQ assessment - choice and awareness happens now. Coaching relationship is such a wonderful opportunity. Extends the invitation to the client. Does not extend beyond the coaches ability to be self aware.
What did you think? What did you feel? What did you want?
Step 1 - its all about the other
Step 2 - what are you felling when you write this down?
Step 3 - what does this remind you about the past?
"You create the impact that others have on you." The more we're present we are with ourselves, the more we enable our client to be in the same space.
We judge ourselves by our intent, we judge others by the impact.
Learning to think in systems. We're all engaged in systems.
Watcher/Observer - Our purpose with ourselves and for our clients, is to learn how to observe oneself. When my mind is racing, I recognize the "story" and the "anxiety". If I assume the story is true, then it becomes so.
Because our clients are going to rely upon mimicry, then the better a coach is able to be introspective, the greater the client can enter the same space.
Story removes us from now! It's all about what was, or what could be, rather than what is.
Awareness is self correcting. Simply noticing is the first and most important step to correcting. What length of time do we need to observe a "habit" to become aware of it.
I used to think I was self-reflective when I was self derogatory. The self is rooted in the past. We can change habits just by noticing without judgement. Don't confuse judgement with noticing. Learn to notice that you are judging yourself.
In any situation in when you choose to recognize that you create the impact that others have on you, you begin to learn and your personal power soars.
McLean's The Completely Revised Handbook of Coaching
Ibarra's Working Identity
Hudson's The Adult Years (first 1/3)
Hammond's Appreciative Inquiry Booklet
HBR's EQ in Leadership
Learnings
Who have been my mentors or coaches, and what are their salient characteristics?
Bob Hadlock - Unconditional Love - he could see the good in me. He challenged me to live into a promise of God's plans for me. He gave to me when I didn't deserve anything. He had a moral compass of right/wrong.
Tom Whelan - Trusted me with the creation and formation of the youth group. He saw leadership potential and challenged me to live into it. He knew that I was a center for social activity and could pull others into a larger activity. He selected LeeAnn and I to represent our youth group to the valley's broader organization.
Mom - She has always challenged me. Her thoughts and insights have created an openess and willingness to question anything. Her willingness to challenge the church and her own identity have paved the way for me to do the same.
Lanny Vincent - He could see my talents, my ability to learn quickly. To provide a framework for my understanding of innovation and complex systems. He listens to my questions and thoughts, and provides a partner to think and rethink my thoughts.
LeeAnn Partridge - she calls me a miracle, GTG. She sees my potential and knows I'm not there yet…"keep up with me!" She marvels in my being.
Dennis Sandow - He showed me a better way for human beings to collaborate. Through appreciative inquiry, I learned how to lead through questions of appreciation.
Shane Plaxton - He was an intelligent man who could see my talents, he nurtured my weaknesses while addressing my needs and challenging my growth. He was not afraid to ask for my help. He trusted that I could do something, though I may have never done it before.
What does Jenny Rogers book tell us about the skilled language of coaching…
Our language reveals what our minds are thinking. Whether in judgment, in problem solving or otherwise; the words we choose and the way we connect them lead our clients can reinforce current patterns of thinking or introduce new patterns.
Traps
Advice in disguise: framed in the form of a question. Clients either mindlessly agree, or move to evasion; neither of which helps them reflect on the deeper currents.
Leading question: Like "leading the witness", our questions can take to form of only allowing our clients to conclude what we have already concluded.
The Why question: As we approach a clients behavior with "why", we run the risk of creating a parent/child relationship. Our why questions can be interpretted as coming from a place of authority and judging a behavior as "you shouldn't have done that", "you're an idiot"
Asking about people who are not present: Keep the client oriented to what they can control. External people are distractions and ultimately uncontrollable.
Long and double questions: keep your questions simple or you'll confuse the client.
Effective questions in coaching
They raise the clients self awareness by provoking thinking and challenge.
They demand truthful answers by cutting through obfuscation and waffle
They are short
They go beyond asking for information by asking for discovery
They encourage the client to take responsibility for themselves
They stick closely to the clients agenda
They lead to learning for the client
They are more than likely to begin with the words "what' or 'how'
Magic questions:
What's the issue?
What makes it an issue now?
Who owns this issue/problem?
How important is it on a 1-10 scale?
How much energy do you have for a solution on a 1-10 scale?
What are the implications of doing nothing (or of letting things carry on as they are)?
What have you already tried?
Imagine if this problem's been solved. What would you see, feel and hear?
What's standing in the way of your ideal outcome?
What's your own responsibility for what's been happening?
What early signs are there that things might be getting better/going alright?
Imagine you are at your most resourceful. What do you say to yourself about the issue?
What are the options for action here?
What criteria will you use to judge the options?
Which option seems to be the best one against those criteria?
So what's the next/first step?
When will you take it?
What does working from the client's agenda mean relative to the three levels of listening?
Level 1 - thinking about yourself and getting your story out
Level 2 - Conversation and rapport support a flow where client is doing most of the talking, questions are revealing the clients agenda. Client is willing to learn, and coach hears what is not being said as well as what is.
Level 3 - Radio-field listening: awareness of level 2, plus the emotions, the risks that are possible in the conversation, of the underlying choices that are at stake for the client. Your trust your intuition.
What key learnings were useful to you in exploring the complexities of how change happens for the client?
Kegan's model on the levels of development: as long as the individual is viewing his or her own experience as "the real experience", this persons ability to fully operate in the world is limited.
Socialized mind (20%): individuals want to live within a set of rules, decisions about how to behave are shaped by what they believe other people in authority roles expect from them in their role. People at this stage make excellent team members.
Self-authoring mind (75%): Set their own goals and work hard for what they've targeted for themselves. Clear about their own set of values and guided by their own compass. Comfortable taking a stand that might be different from those around them. Work hard to get others to adopt their agenda.
Self-transforming mind (5%): clear about their own set of values but also able to step back and explore other perspectives and consider the limitations of their values and goals. Freely invite feedback, contemplate other points of view, and generally explore the complexities and contradictions of life's issues and dilemmas.
Two general and basic Patterns
Life in chapters: Life is basically stable, opportunities to grow nad with positive changes on the horizon. Optimistic, upbeat, high energy. "go for it!"
Life in transitions: Life is basically unstable. Discouraged, low energy, pessimistic. Turn inward as the internal voice are seemingly more reliable. Cocooning - opportunities or transformation and growth. Is it a mini transition, or a major?
What critical development activities would promote growth and discovery for the client?
How and when do you engage in challenging, confronting and direct feedback?
Differences between espoused values and actions
Client agrees that a change needs to take place, but postpones the moment when it will happen.
You have serious doubts about when a clients proposed course of action is actually wise or desirable.
Introduce the topic straightforwardly, making a link to the stated results that the client wants.
Alert the client that you are going to say something which could be difficult to hear, but emphasize how much you value and want to support the client.
Keep your observation linked to data, about "what is"...not "what should be"..ask the client how he sees it.
Ask what will happen if the situation does not change, and willingly brainstorm ideas.
Reinforce the clients choices in whether or not to make the changes.
Can you apply Map One to the specific chapters in your own life? Can you imagine how this might be useful in understanding your own coaching client?
Phase 1 - Go for it: The heroic self - (Leading Zaphod, Leading Misto, Coaching Journey, present relationship with LeeAnn)
Purposive
Active
Busy
Committed
Optimistic
Energized
Team Player
Feelings I am experiencing in this phase:
Confidence, Courage, Energy, Aligned with the world, Challenged, Collaborative, Competitive, Lonely (not much time in my life), Fatugue
Activities that might be helpful for being in this phase:
Career training, networking, friends, travel, time manangement, pacing the parts of my life, professional organizations, hobbies, weekends
Results I want to accomplish in this phase:
Reach my goals, change and improve my goals, plateau and enjoy my success, advance in my career, receive financial rewards I want, feel more fulfilled in my work, use my creativity well, take new risks, follow my sense of purpose
Phase 2 - The duldrums: The disenchanted self (moving in childhood, Roadmaps dismissed, Misto wounded, CTO office decays, Present relationship with Ann, Big house in declining market)
Bored
Restless
Feeling stuck
Reactive
In Denial
Resistant to change
Angry
Sad
Pessimistic
Low in energy
Being a loner
Feelings I'm experiencing in tis phase
Sense of decline, stuck, resistance, pain and suffering, anger, sadness, trapped, toxic, defeated
Activities that might be helpful in this phase
Create an exit plan, look for a new job, spend time with friends, take up hobbies, take evening courses, seek therapy, marital counseling, get a physical, join professional organizations, take a sabbatical or leave of absence
Results I want to accomplish in this phase:
Successful departure for a mini-transition, Successful departure for a transition
Phase 3 - Cocooning: The inner self (Moving to Walden Ln, Marriage Encounter Deeper, after Brain Surgery, After killing Misto)
Turned inward,
experimenting,
disoriented,
spiritual,
tapping core values,
tapping resilient emotions,
deconstructing and reconstructing self,
meditative,
exploring,
hearing,
inner work,
Quiet
Feelings I'm experiencing in this phase
Anger, grief and sadness, fear, loneliness, relief, quiet excitement, inner confidence, liberation
Activities that might be helpful for being in this phase
New training, therapy, spending time with friends, traveling, transition job, journaling, art classes, hobbies, meditating or praying
Phase 4 - Getting Ready: The passionate self (Becoming a Dad, MOT, Architecting 007, Market Discovery --> Misto conceptualized, Employee Engagement Lead, Innovation Stewardship, IPN, initiating relationship with LeeAnn, coaching/life launch, post EER)
Sensing new purpose
Free and Uncommitted
Inner child at work
Being creative
Naively Optimistic
Learning
Searching
Networking
Feelings I'm experiencing in this phase
Joy, trust, Love, Lightness of being, creativity, yearn to learn more, fire in my belly, new love for having fun
Activities that may be helpful for being in this phase
Career search, explore options, find friends, travel, fall in love again, read with abandon, indulge in music art drama, simplify lifestyle, fun time, get advanced degree, adult education classes, change career, take up a sport, enjoy being lazy
Results I want to accomplish in this phase
Clarify my personal identity, increase my confidence, redefine my sense of purpose, get a fix on what's important, renew my intimate relationship, redefine my inner sense of worth, become more creative, improve my humor, take new risks
What are the key characteristics of the two major life processes of adult life: The construction and destruction of self?
Life Skills:
Dream Again - new beginning: provides conviction, inspiration, and energy for constructing a life chapter. A plan schedules the dream with available resources and possibilities. A vision of yourself in the near future. A dream is a compelling picture if a desirable future. It is a poetic picture, not a literal statement. Once invented by the imagination, it hovers over a person as a lure toward the future.
Simple and clear, it is easily recalled and rehearsed
A promise that is self evident and convincing, an idea whose time has come. To think it is to go for it.it feels right, and its going to happen.
A dream is a visceral yearning, not a prediction or wish list. It taps a deep inner sense of personal destiny and provides pictures and voices for your inner sense of purpose.
A dream is a pull toward higher ground, an inspiration for becoming.
Beyond our reach but worth reaching for
Plan, work, pursue goals, achieve: Requires personal commitment, perseverance, and adaptations - and social and economic alignment: Logical, hardheaded, factual and realistic.
Keep the dream central to the plan
Construct plans that draw on proven strengths that have worked well in previous life structures.
Plateau, Evaluate: Sustains and deepens a successful, functional life chapter
Manage the doldrums, keep the chapter alive: come to terms with the decline, negative emotions and feeling trapped in an increasingly dysfunctional chapter.
Sort Things Out: results in a personal plan - what to keep, what to eliminate or change, what to add and how to proceed into a revitalized chapter.
An Ending, a little death, letting go: Ending a chapter with dignity and care requires an ability to say farewell with gratitude and clarity, leaving you free to consider your next options. There are two possibilities at this point: restructuring or making a life transition.
A Mini-transition, Restructuring your Chapter: refurbishing a life chapter. Minor surgery with a strategic plan to make the life chapter better. A new location, a new job, a new home, or a new partner.
Heal, invest in yourself, introspect, reflect, find a new identity, spiritual discovery: turning inward to take stock, to find your own basic values, and to disengage emotionally and mentally from the life chapter. If the life chapter cannot be redeemed, or if the optimal choice is to leave it in order to find a new and different one, the first step is to exit into a life transition where tis skill is required. A life transition is like major surgery, usually resulting in personal development, new life options, and even transformation.
Sustain your own resilience: produces confidence, energy, purpose and hope. Involves a reevaluation of core issues and beliefs.
Experiment, explore, network, be creative, learn and train, risk taking
How are coaching strategies likely to be different when coaching persons in phase one and in phase two.
How do you discern for yourself what is most important in your life, your own core values at this time in your life?
Does this add meaning to my life?
Does it contribute to my vision?
Is this part of a chapter I can renew through a mini-transition?
Is this part of a transition and I must let go?
Does it align with my vision and passions?
How do you imagine coaches distinguish between normal developmental emotional issues and clinical issues?
Does the client have the resources and faculties to resolve the issue? Our primary faculty is not to provide answers. If the client is unable/unwilling to make progress on their own, it may be wise to recommend a specialist.
How would you decide to make a referral for psychotherapy?
What is the importance of "purpose" for coaching?
It is the primary motivating factor for a client. As we understand their purpose, we can lead from behind toward it.
Why is the period between identities 'the crucible' in reinventing ourselves?
We are not one self, but rather many selves. In transition, we are trying on many of our ''selves'. the crucible is there to clarify, eliminate waste and purify the new self.
According to Ron Short, how does "Learning in relationship' help you learn from others who have different perspectives?
How do you begin to craft an overarching aspirational goal with a client?
Need to understand where they in there current chapter (go for it, duldrums, cocooning, getting ready)
Need to understandwhere they are passionate (Personal Mastery, Play and Creativity, Search for Meaning, Compassion and Contribution, Intimacy, Achievement)
Need to understand where they are connected (family, friends, work, couple, community)
Need to understand where they are in their life stages (first launch, second launch, third launch)
Need to understand where they are learning and unlearning
Within these contexts, what is the transition and transformation they desire?
Applications As A Coach
CIT #2 LEARNING LOGS
This log documents my learnings, insights, and outcomes from required readings, modules and content of the CIT #1 session.
Readings
Rogers' Coaching Skills: a handbook (Second half)
Hudson's The Adult Years (Second 1/3
McLean's The Completely Revised Handbook of Coaching (Reference)
Maurer's Beyond Wall of Resistance (first half) www.beyondresistance.com E-book
3 Levels of Resistance (different from the book) - perhaps lens is a better word than level. Each level has a positive/negative side. Are they working for you or against you? Resistance occurs in the relationship. It cannot be resolved independent of the two people involved. Resistance may not be overt, and could be recognized as simply non-action. Want and Resistance are paired. When someone wants something, there is a resistance there as well. When someone resists something, there is a wants there also. Might want to explore both sides when either of these shows up.
Tools: Simple Survey...Interviews...Focus Groups
1) Do you agree with the change?
2) What's your reaction to that?
3) Do you believe that the leaders of your org have what it takes?
4) Anything else you'd like to add..
Application Steps:
Help your client identify their issues at each level. Often times people don't know the answers to this because people aren't telling them the truth. I need to get this data to my clients. Try to make thees issues transparent to the client.
Identify the change you want to make, and deal with the level 1, 2 and 3 issues in the context of the change.
Level 1 - I don't Get it - Understanding, To what extent do they get it? It's an intellectual conversation. What's the fastest way to get from Seattle to Boise? Doesn't mean that I'm going to take that route, it just means that I understand that route. Tendency is to pile on more of this when we get resistance at Level 2 or Level 3. You can kill people with data.
Level 2 - I don't like it - I believe this is never neutral. We either like it or we dont.
Almost always stems from fear. Emotional, this is really just the forefront. This haze is always in the air and has to be dealt with in order to make progress. When our emotions are acting really strongly, it is hard for us to listen. It is physiologically impossible. Slow things down in order to attend to this. To work with emotions we should just try to understand our client (fear, excitement, etc), rather than to get them to do/be anything different. Just by "seeing" your client the work can begin. You do not have to be bright, or have a trick...just simply witness what is going on. So long as we are trying to "solve something" for our client we disconnect from them, and are no longer present for their emotions. Appreciate what that person is saying, follow your own curiosity. Stay Curious, it allows your client an ability to explore other options. Stay in development rather than in judgement.
Positive Side - Volunteerism, Commitment, Engagement.
Level 3 - I don't like you - Relationship. Trust and Confidence. Do I have trust that you are going to be a good steward? Do i believe that you can do what you say you can do? Do you get the benefit of the doubt?
Robinson's Chained to the desk - Podcast
Confident Living: Living from our inner truth. Knowing who you are, and living from that place. Confident and Conceit are opposites. Cant let ego run the show. Ego has many parts, judgement, criticism, Controlling, worry wart, dare devil, etc...and those parts define us, but not really. Ego parts are like the rib cage, there to protect us. They stay there beyond when we need them (not healthy to be active 24x7). ie critic becomes writers block.
Step 1: Identify the ego parts
Step 2: Have a relationship with them. They only take over when you don't pay attention to them.
Step 3: Be choiceful in applying them.
8 types of self: an inside job.
Confidence - when we begin to recognize this within ourselves, others experience it with us
calm
clarity
compassion - our relation to ourselves and others
connectedness
courage
creativity
Curiosity - our gateway to our self
What is the relationship between these characteristics and spirituality? Truth from your heart and from your head. 10 practices?
Patterson's Crucial Conversations
O'Neill's Executive Coaching with Backbone and Heart (first half)
Contracting:
Business results: ROI
3 key factors:
Triangulation: Involving the boss, involving the direct reports. What about when an executive doesn't trust a boss with the knowledge of his own coaching. Sounds like the executive needs to trust himself. The primary relationship with a corporation is between an executive and his boss, not between either of them and me.
Assessment tools: focus on direct communication rather than using assessment tools. not that assessment tools arent helpful, just that it does not begin the healthier auto-didactic pattern.
Systems Thinking: I'm a systemic coach, I coach to change systems not people. Sometimes you have to let a client fail in order for them to learn. If they are not listening, perhaps now is not the best time for a change.
Building presence: Systems thinking in the moment. If we're not human with our clients (having our own foibles) then how can we help them grow?
Coach having a goal going into the coaching session: Your coaching has a brand, what obstacles are preventing you from reaching your brand promise? Give a client what they want, then give them what they need. Hard to trust anyone that isn't interested in my biggest issues. Sometimes a client just needs the time they schedule with a coach to think.In those cases, I dont schedule time week over week but rather just have them call me when they need time.
Helping executives starts with getting past the notion, that somehow it's my fault that they have failed. Need to move the conversation to what is he/she contributing to the situation.
Need to operate at the intersection at leadership development and organizational performance.
Executive coaching is about learning to be with leaders (presence) and finding key moments to be with them learn.
Being, Learning, Doing - Must remain relevant to business results.
Must understand the larger system in which the leader is operating, and how it affects our client. Use systems approach, and be able to maintain equilibrium as the system begins to p\operate on the coach.
A way of thinking about coaching vs a method of coaching
CHpt 1 Core Concepts - Coaches Stance
Coach Self Management -
What would be your goal with the client
What would you want to accomplish
How would you determine if you are being effective
How to think and act -
trained but natural curiosity of a journalist
Share conceptual frameworks/images/metaphors
Encourage rigor to aid
challenge executive to define and move beyond their learning edge
build clients ability to manage anxiety
3 deliverable of the executive
Communicating the vision/landscape to key constituencies and outlining opportunities and challenges
Building commitment/relationships and facilitating action that result in high performance
producing results and outcomes through the actions of others and self
Coach's goal is to turn the executive toward their team. It is not finishing school. It is not replacing a missing boss or performance management. It is not successful when there is no measurable business metric.
Ingredients of executive coaching
Maintaining a results orientation to a leaders problem
Partnership - alongside the executive's journey in building competence
Ability to engage the specific leadership challenges that the executive is facing, what is he avoiding...how are his actions creating this?
Links team behaviors to bottom line goals -
3 principles - ensures greater success
Bring your own signature presence to coaching - self as coach...we must be authentic if we want them to be authentic. Do not perform techniques! Leaders need partners. built on trust.
Use a systems perspective - stay attuned to fundamental forces at play, Feedback loops, but stay focused on the middle sphere (team, partners, etc). Leaders already have a highly attuned sense for the outer sphere (environment)
Coaching method is most powerful when you integrate the other two principles.
Coaching with Backbone and Heart - bring yourself to the work. Speaking strongly and directly while maintaining relationships.
Backbone: have I clearly and articulately stated my thoughts and understanding
Heart: Have I listened and empathised...do I continue to stay in touch. Do I recognize success.
chpt 2
a signature presence - four conditions
chpt3-4
using systemic dynamics - attend to these and you can free a client/org from the system
chpt 5-8 Part 2 - Methodology 4 phases of coaching
Contracting
Planning
Live action
Debriefing
chpt 9 calculating ROI
Part 3 Special applications
chpt 11 - helping executives to become more effective coaches
Zander's Art of Possibility (optional)
Silsbee's Presence-Based Coaching (optional)
Presence is a transferable state. Coach's ability to be present creates room for client to enter same state. Great responsibility to do this well.
Premise: We are all conditioned beings. Our unconcious habits/patterns/defaults were learned. Sometimes these things are limting, but theyre still embedded in us. Were driven by these habits 85-90% o our lives. We need to become mindful of our own habits. How do I engage with my habits while maintaing our presence with our clients? How do I help them wake up?
Coaching is an ongoing process of freeing a person from theses habits. In order to do this, we as coaches must be able to have done this work ourselves.
example Habits:
Staying in questioning - a belief that this is what a coach does
A desire to be liked - find it difficult in providing direct and useful feedback.
Our attachment to our clients success - We end p forcing them into decisions
How do we as coaches wake up and stay awake? Profound question - Elightenment is an accident, and practice makes us accident prone. We must keep waking up by practicing awakening over and over again.
Play: Let your attention diffuse. softening our boundary bewteen us and those things around us.
Let your attention focus: Something that youve chosen to have in your environment that is aesthetic. What thoughts arise as you views this object? What emotions arise? What sensations arise? At all times we have these three levels of awareness available to us. Most of the time we are so focussed on what's happening cognitively, thta we lose the other two. Being mindful or being aware, is to be attentive to the awareness of emotions and sensation.
Imagine a food or beverage you really crave: Recognize the urge, the sensation, the attachment! In a coaching conversation, the urge is repeated when we want to offer something. We call this an attachment. I have an attachment to being novel. I have an attachment to my cell phone, to being connected.
Aversion: saliva on your plastic spoon put back into your mouth. What do you have an aversion to, in coaching? For example, I have an version to not being liked. I have an aversion to not having an answer. I have an aversion to looking foolish. I have an aversion to know it alls.
All of our habits arise from a sensation but are under pinned by our aversions and attachments. As we become more aware, we are able to connect our sensations with our aversions and attachments. In being aware and present, we are then able to be choiceful about how our sensations result in behaviours.
"wanting to add value" - How to break through this? Wanting to jump in and be prescritive...Off line, reflect on the work you've already done with a client. Settle our bodies back, feel our weight in the chair.
Our bodies are a signal of the work going on within us, but they are also a pairing. We can establish the body in a way that opens the way we think.
What is the difference between a sensation and an emotion? centered in the brain versus distributed throughout the body. Emotions are connected to an attachment or aversion, conditioning that drives us. becoming aware of this decouples the power of the emotion. Sensation is independent of aversions or attachments.
Engaging with a leader: Find out what habit they have that is impeding their progress and growth. Help them learn how to become aware of the urge to trigger the habit or behavior so that they can head it off. I design a vehicle that allows them to see this. For example, at the end of the day, spend 5 minutes logging your observations about the behavior. How many times did you interupt someone today? What was the sensation or emotion that precluded the interuption.
Most coaching is about behavior, but the strength of our work is getting to the emotions and sensations that under pin it.
7 voices: 7 roles.four ways these voices serve us
Set of roles around which we can establish coaching methodolgies
Establish a common language with the client, a common set of distinctions that enable meta-conversations. i need a little more of this or that.
Distinction between the roles provde the basis for our own self observation.
Making the subject visible as object. We make our unaware habit visible and give it a name.
Learnings
Personal Learning Focus for CIT2
How has your sense of purpose changed as you've grown older or entered a new decade?
I think my decades are perhaps best incremented
0-5: Thrust early. Started walking at 10 months old, started Kindergarten at 4 years old. Seems my journey, and my attachments would resonate with being the first at my age to accomplish...Keeping up with my older brother would be a constant friendship and tension. Distancing myself from my younger brother...hmm, that must have hurt him.
5-15: Purpose was balanced between learning and survival. Fun with friends as I learned what my body was capable of. Survival with rivals who were eager to make me weak and small. Challenged by 5 moves to several different schools shifted the focus to survival, and maintenance of any self worth. Academics became a my primary measure of success and self worth. An "objective" measure when all subjective measures seemed to fall short. Poisonous stories of self worth are implanted.
15-25: Religion and structure. Rules to follow, and lead by example. Recognition from my mom, and my peers in being able to be dogmatic. Love from father figures, Bob and Tom. What was i trying to fulfill? First loves and dashed hopes. Leadership. Strength of personal conviction. Individual, and yet part of a structure. Embark on life's dreams with friends support. Easily squandered trough the criticism of an anonymous advisor. Grandfather and Fathers prodigy, as first and only grandson to maintain Mechanical Engineering in the family. What did I want for myself? Survival through hard work, 20-30 hrs of fast food and video store while attending college. Creativity in drawing, photography, sculpture and cars. Longing for worthiness in the eyes of my peers, and in my own...Ann & I are partnered. A beautiful woman who could see me, and loved me! did i love her, or the actualization and security that came along with "having" her. How did my insecurities allow me to shrink from my life's desires? Career is started, and financial freedom is first experienced. Work is challenging and the business is booming. Great friend in Jon Schott. Living the life, carefree.
25-35: Freedom to explore, redirected. Career direction set back to original goal, Medicine. Thinking that emergency room medicine will allow me to have purpose in my life. I can be rewarded while being emotionally challenged and intellectually taxing work. Return to college part time. Recognize that few relationships survive medical school, but still pursuing it. Set curves in Biology and Organic Chemistry. Lifting and exercise, Racquetball, volleyball, softball, Playing rugby, coaching football. Fate intervenes. Nearly died. On death bed, many deals are struck and religion loses my faith. I realize that I use religion rather than am a faithful steward. Decide and commit to HP and to becoming a father. Survival moves? Replace individual purpose with family purpose. Megan is born! LeeAnn comes back to Corvallis. We meet periodically to reminisce. I love her! Am ready to leave Ann, but LeeAnn is not there. Get counseling. Work follows predictable and generative path: Engineer, Senior Engineer, Manager. Leading/Managing a high performance team is very rewarding and assuages need for human connection and purpose. Decide to build a house and have Brian. So many tests, with the apartment and building the house. Marriages are not supposed to survive building a house. Why do i keep testing my marriage? Success leads to greed. Seeking validation from HP and a more profitable career path I pursue my MOT degree. Long hours of study, takes me away from the family. Pornography creates physical fulfillment and distances my emotional commitment to Ann. Application of masters degree to HP creates great frustration. Academic approaches are overly simple and thwarted by human systems.
35-45: Attempting to recover from distance created in last decade. Marriage encounter draws me back into the religious structure that created so much comfort in High school/college. New friends, new structure to excel in. My words prove to be powerful and moving. I'm can see again how I can influence. Through much debate, we decide to have a third child. like so many of our pets, I feel like my initial desire not to...gives way to Ann's desire to. why does this compromise feel so deep? I am looking for ways to cleave with Ann, and yet this is just another way in which we stay bound and committed. You did choose this. Perhaps you really want to stay. Market discovery leads to insight and tension to create Misto. Leadership of team results in most rewarding experience in professional career. International attention on innovation Influence of Dennis Sandow on my leadership style. What role did he play as father figure? Roles of Ray Dandeneau, Ron Prevost, Keith Bartlett...hmmm . Misto Business and team gets disbanded. I am both very courageous in proposing leaving HP with team to Steve, and cowardice in taking role in gaming business. Much learning and excitement as HP flirts with gaming. Digital storytelling has an interesting overlap with creativty and heart. i learn to expose my pain from the surgery and create a digital narrative. Who are you? LeeAnn moves back to Corvallis....So much want and unrequited love. My poetry flows from deep wanting, and tension. But I cannot have her. cars and houses become diversions. I dream of a change...a place to escape. We buy the 25 acres. Two years camping in a sickly old mobile home. World of warcraft...easier to focus on diversions than deal with the inability to meet my wants head on. Work is languishing. My role is diminished to a glorified admin under Patrick Scaglia...so much challenge and growth dealing with his lack of "fatherly" love. hmmm. Evan Smouse is completely untrustworthy. He is busy nursing his own wounds and disenchantment. Patrick leaves, Mike comes aboard. Mike is fatherly again. hmmmm. tough prior role fades to nothingness.
45- : Megan leaves for college. What is happening? She has the freedom to pursue her dreams, and i couldnt be happier for her. Why don't I give myself the same freedom? Heart aroused! Intentional shifts! Feeling unhealthy and constantly at odds with my own wants, I write Hearts Potent. I decide that if I cannot have LeeAnn, and I don't want Ann...then I must start searching for something (or someone) else. I strike out and begin exploring a life without Ann. I begin working out. I lean into my friends, my brother. I put up an identity on Match.com. So many beautiful faces and possibilities, new people to meet. When confronted by Ann, I shrink back into her definition of me. I play safe, and am smaller for it. I'm dying inside. Ann & I allow pornography to become a stimulant to our sex. The physical release is merely a means to release tension, but our love has gone. I reach out to lead the ambassadors/employee engagement. My passion for the HP way and innovation are resonating with the shifts in leadership at HP. I can make a difference here. But how to deal with the tension in my relationship without creating fear in Ann? Is it possible? I make a choice to repair the damage stress had done to my teeth. I am worth investing in! LeeAnn and i flirt with a physical relationship, and it becomes real. I invest in my health, recommiting to the exercise that makes me feel better about myself. My distance with Ann grows...I learn about life launch as a means of "designing your future". I use the experience as the therapy I've likely always needed. I commit to steps, and articulate the future I want for myself. it does not include Ann. It is coaching. It is an ability to love and grow another person. And what i want is to be alive, with emotion and passion. These coaches, they are like me! introspective! caring! I can be myself, and not feel judged. I share my poetry, people love it! Brian leaves for college next year, how can I help him achieve his dreams without sacraficing my own? How can i have the most fulfilling relationship with him in his final year at home? What is the right balance of meeting my needs versus Ann's, Brian's and Evelyns?
How do you manage a sense of balance in your own life?
Curious word, "manage". It looking at my history, I create attachments to: Father figures, Worldly things, Beautiful women. My aversions appear to be quiet time, financial uncertainty, and needy people. I appear to manage my inbalance by creating greater inbalance. hmmm...
Are there triggers that remind you when you've reached an "out of balance" place?
I suppose pornography and physical fulfillment are part of that. Buying things. Urges to play games and be distracted rather than present. Alcohol. Not working out, and eating unhealthy things. Apathy...Holding others accountable for my happiness.
Are you noticing shifts in your awareness of yourself as a coach?
So much change is going on at the moment, that it is difficult to know how much is related directly to coach training. I am drawn to presence! almost like a drug. I desire the connectivty with other human beings at a core level. I desire to see myself through others. I desire to help others feel the same.
Have you begun to develop a pactice of preparing yourself for coachung sessions, taking time to get yourself present for the session?
Yes. I remind myself of the physical sensation and emotional peace associated with "accomplishing my dream" as experienced during the bouldering work at Life Launch. This settled, relaxation of rolling my shoulders back and breathing deeply, clearing my head results in a peacceful tingling and clarity that is always available to me. I am now booking 30 minutes prior to, and 60 minutes after a coaching engagement to collect myself and my thoughts.
Coaching/Professional learning focus for CIT2
Begin to build more ease in using the methodology as a support for the coaching engagement.
I have documented the Hudson five stage coaching methodology, along with the accompanying details in order to reflect on my state and desired progress with a client. Other authors have provided similar frameworks, though I will rely on the Hudson method for my training.
Explore in detail the nuances of how change happens for ourselves and for our clients.
Change occurs first as a tension with the old. An anxiety or struggle that is no longer tolerable. Then a safe exploration is started. It may be as simple as asking "what is coaching"? But curiosity is stimulated as a means of creating newness. An alternate future is imagined. A trigger or stimulus makes the possiblity of change more urgent. The iron gets hot. A trusted ally believes in you, helps you to see the strengths you have doubted in order to begin the change. I commit to the change verbally and then in action. Time to reflect, observe. What am I learning in this change? Is it still what i want? How can I make it better? What is surprising me? I begin to see a path to my desired future and am better able to commit and act to achieve it. I am tested! The change is harder than I expected, perhaps i have to risk my past or other possible futures. Do I trust myself to stay with it? How will I let myself down? How will I be excellent?!
Continue to deepen the skill-based competencies.
Discussion Questions to consider prior to CIT 2
What is resistance, that natural inclination to fend off change, and how does it work inside coaching relationships?
Resistance is the known or unknown urge to prevent a change or newness. We can help our clients by creating awareness about resistance and the types. Once identified, we can be present as our client works through and processes their understanding.
It come in three forms:
I don't get it - a lack of understanding, a rational gap that can be resolved with data and conclusions. Help the client to se where new information may be helpful.
I don't like it - an emotional gap that requires reflection and understanding. Emotions are best handled simply by witnessing them and honoring their presence. Failling this, the emotions will continue to cloud our clients understanding.
I don't like you - a relationship gap that results in a lack of trust and shared purpose. Manifest in wether your client gets/gives the benefit of the doubt. Work must be done in collabration with the partner in order to build trust. It cannot be a hollow attempt or facade.
What are effective coaching strategies for dealing with resistance?
Notice the resistance
identify the type of resistence
Discuss the actions that best fit the type(s) of resistent that are present, being present for any emotions that cloud the conversation.
Discover the accompanying wants that the client has not articulated.
How (and when is it important) do you bring your clients into consciousness of their own priorities for spending their time?
First, the coach must first dispell his own denials, It is best to help the client understand the myths associated with Workaholism.
The job makes me do it: Reality - The source of work addiction is inside us. Like an alcoholic blaming his spouse for alcoholism.
Virtue Myth: Reality - Workaholics create stress and burnout for themselves and for their fellow workers, creating negative fallout in the form of low morale, disharmony, interpersonal conflict, lower productivity, absenteeism, and tardiness due to work related illnesses, loss of creativity, and lack of team cooperation.
Superhero: Reality - Workaholics suffer from a compulsive disorder that masks a range of feelings, from anger to depression, and maladjustment in the form of feelings of poor self-worth, difficulty with intimacy, and fear of loss of control.
Messiah: Reality - Wrkaholics overextend themselves to fill an iner void, to medicate emotional pain, and to repress a range of emotions.
Wedded-to-work: Reality- Although most workaholics say that they enjoy their obs, work satisfaction is not a prerequisite for work addiction.
Impostor: Reality- The release of adrenaline, like othe drugs, creates physiological changes that create work highs, that become addictive or potentially fatal.
Stepchild: Reality - Work addiction can be a primary addiction, or it can be a secondary addiction combining with other addictions.
Gainfully Employed: reality - Work addiction is not limited to paid gainful emplement. It can manifest itself in many forms by consuming the workaholics identity, time, energy, and thoughts.
Slacker: Reality - Workers who live balanced lives are more eficuent and productive and bring greater quality to the job because they are less stressed and more clear headed.
I'll-quit-tomorrow: reality- Recovery from work addiction goes deeper than simply measuring the number of work hours. It requires insights into unresolved emotional needs, difficulty with intimacy, and need to control.
Second, Probe clients about their family lives, vacations, hobbies, friendships: do they resemble the rapid fire control of their work? How do their family and friends describe the client in relatiuon to these acivities?
Help clients realize that the source of pain is internal, not external.
How do they judge themselves? Do they accept the part of their ego that always shows up as the means of critically defining their contribution? Invite them into a curiosity? Are thy confused? can they benefit from the clarity of meditation?
Workaholic: Its not the hours you work, necessarily. It's the inability to turn it off. Playing catch with my son, and working in my head. Standing on the ski slopes thinking about work. Workaholic has the same impact as alcoholics. Marital estrangement, poorer self esteem. Children of workaholics tend to have higher anxiety, depression, be people pleasers and chameleons in an attempt to win the approval of a high functioning parent. Serious disorder! Kiroshi - death from overwork. our society tends to reward workaholism. Healthy work put us on the moon. Having a healthy balance, be able to play a little bit. Relationship with their spouse, self and work.
How's life treating you? switch to How are you treating life?
How do you help your clients understand the the impact that their various roles have upon their life course?
Applications As A Coach
CIT #3 LEARNING LOGS
This log documents my learnings, insights, and outcomes from required readings, modules and content of the CIT #1 session.
Readings
Learnings
Applications As A Coach
Anna Liotta Unlocking Generational CODES
What we do in our own generation that is perceived as value, actually pisses off the younger generation.
How to get into the world of the younger generation? What is their generational code?
Generational Code: Deep Driving force that is ultimately driving the bus. Their worldview. afer age 7, the brain begins to create logic. between 8-18 the events that have the greatest emotional impact, really wire the brain.
Shift in generations: Big shift in succession! 4 Life stages...all of the shifts are overlapping
0-21: Being educated - world is taking care of you
22-42 - You're getting ready, trying out new roles - Millenials
42-64 Prime - you're calling the shots - Gen x
64-84 Elderhood - ready to retire but what's next for me. Never trust anyone over 30! Boomers
1927-1945 - traditionalist 7% - ->3%
146-64 - Boomers 76 million 42%-->27%, Vietnam, Consumer Boomer
1965-1977 -Gen X (44 mill) 29%--> (real time as parents! Want real balance!)
1978-99 - Millennials Hero Archetype 72 million 22%--> (confident generation, Children of Boomers - spent a lot to make this group confident, much rather sit with my friends than have a corner office, expect their bosses to be coaches/mentors/friends). 9/11 and great recession. Didn't have many rules from parents...they actually desire structure. Social mood of unravelling. Start charities and volunteer around the world when given structure.
2000- Nexters - Crisis Social Mood
How dare they? Who are they? General feeling of animosity to Millennials. There is a difference between being friendly and being friends.
Leadership Passages Dotlich, Noel & Walker
Like the camel through the eye of the needle, a passage challenges us to be resilient. That which doesn't kill you makes you stronger.
The authors describe 13 passages that are common to potential leaders:
Joining a company: A new job in a new company represents a significant cultural shift. Not to mention the creation of a new network of relationships. Bridging this gap will prepare the leader by increasing their adaptability and making them psychologically stronger. Crossing this bridge can best be accomplished by: Bridging the reality gap; become an expert on your boss; build a new network; make up your own mind about the culture; create a personal schedule.
Moving into a Leadership Role: while leading, new leaders should look to improve the following capabilities: Think from a group perspective, open communication, organization, supervision, vision, motivation, technical know-how, delegating, personnel management, leave your old identity behind and learn to do things differently. Things to avoid: fixating on tasks, ignoring people, abuse of power. It's vry common to make mistakes when taking ona new leadership role, just be sure to learn from them.
Accepting the Stretch Assignment: Significant increases in expectations and scope, an international assignment. No doubt these moves can be exciting but also very challenging. Bridging this gap will prepare the leader by increasing their resourcefulness.
Assuming responsibility for a business: With the reward of running your own business, comes the downside risk of managing the P&L. Several points to consider: Pay attention to the whole business...not just the parts you are familiar with. Balance the human "softer" side of the business with the more mechanistic process/metric behaviors. Don't overlook innovation. This passage helps a leader manage multiple tasks, become more tough minded and resourceful.
Dealing with a significant failure for which you are responsible: Sooner or later, the choices you have made in the highly uncertain environment will result in a failure. Choose now to learn and grow! Don't let failure define you! Do not blame someone else! Admit you've made a mistake and you will create an environment that learns with you.
Coping with a bad boss and competitive peers: Do you stay to fight? or do you take flight? All human beings have weaknesses, some more daunting than others and sometimes those human beings are your bosses. Enduring this passage will prepare the leader by increasing their abilities to be self motivated and work independently particularly when they are not appreciated, nurtured or protected. By experiencing what doesn't work, the leader is more prepared to say ,"I'll never lead that way!"
Losing your job or being passed over for promotion: There are no certainties in life. By taking risks, even with your career you may lose. Do not let this define you! Search for understanding and meaning as to why it may have occurred. Create a new strategy for what lies ahead and ping your support network to pull in as many allies as possible. This experience will make you a more thoughtful and empathetic leader.
Being part of an acquisition or merger: When this happens, all of your relationships and networks will be up for grabs. Prepare to be flexible! with all of the commotion new opportunities will emerge.
Living in a different country or culture: Be prepared for loneliness and uncertainty, but avoid staying in the comfort of ex patriots. The globalization of our workforce and corporations increases the likelihood and value of this experience. Leaders will have a better sense of their own identity!
Finding a meaningful balance between work and family: Your values, and your awareness of your values will become clearer as a result of making this passage. "Meaningful" in more important than "balance"; as a true balance of equal parts is not practical or desirable.
Letting go of Ambition: This passage is more about personal development than professional development. This enables you to come to terms with who you really are! Conversion from leader to mentor/teacher gives rise to greater patience and kindness.
Facing personal upheavals: Divorce, death of aloved one, life threatening injury or illness...All of these life experiences challenge the very core of us. Some leaders will shrink away from the experience, but every leader with high emotional IQ has experienced a loss of this magnitude and transcended the experience.
Losing your Faith in the System: Do not be a victim and lose faith as a result of the corporate debacles that occur. Cynicism is too easy for you! Create a meaningful role for yourself! Leaders that successfully navigate this passage will learn the essential importance of committing oneself to meaningful work!
Leadership is a journey with many tests along the way. Most are uncomfortable if not outright painful. In all of the passages, the following 8 distinct strengths have been identified:
1) Become resilient - Takes a licking and keeps on ticking!
2) Take responsibility - Work through the SARA model: Shock, Anger, Rejection, Acceptance.
3) Learn to reflect - Meditate on your successes and failures - create awareness.
4) Seek family support - Avoid making a passage alone. Partner, family, friends.
5) Develop a professional network - its all about "who you know!"
6) Find a refuge - A safe place where you can be yourself. alone with your thoughts or simply at play in your favorite hobby.
7) Develop Perspective - Take a step back and appreciate the larger more abstract long view and your current place on the timeline.
8) Continue to take risks - Passages are a fact of a life fully lived! Most are completely out of your control.